Valentine’s Day: How to be single

Valentine’s day is here again. That time of the year when couples everywhere are agonising over how much money they really have to spend on each other. A time for romance, passion, and unfulfilled expectations. For the single among us, valentine’s day can be fraught with faux-sympathetic exchanges with your non-single friends, and while there’s no shame in being single, but there are things you can do to hide the fact that you are…

table

TABLE FOR TWO

Book a table for two at the restaurant of your choice, keep it upmarket. Get there on time, order a sexy bottle of red and pour out two glasses. Then spend the next fifteen minutes or so looking around anxiously and checking the time. Here’s the coup de grace: when you feel like it looks like you’ve been stood up, set your phone off. Pretend it’s ringing and answer it:

“What? The hospital? Are you alright? I’ll be right there!”

Then run out.

flowers

FLOWER POWER

Pick up a bunch at some point during the day. If anyone asks you about them, just roll your eyes and say “valentine’s day”. This one’s quite effective, because what kind of mad man would carry a bouquet of flowers around with him for no reason? People will think you’re the singer in a Smiths cover band or, perhaps more likely, that you’re taking those flowers back home to your loving partner.

Pizza.jpg

TAKEAWAY

A lot of couples like to stay in on valentine’s day with a takeaway and a good film. Order a takeaway to your flat, big enough for two. Why not treat yourself to two pizzas, or an entire Peking duck? As you’re accepting the food, shout “darling can you get the plates ready?” The delivery guy will have no idea that you’re shouting to no one, sucker.