How to make your Christmas a (last minute) cracker

In the run up to Christmas we’ve been putting together a survival guide. But you haven’t been reading it have you? So now Christmas has crept up on you, and you’re not ready. We’re only a couple of days away from the big day and you’ve done nothing, to have a good Christmas now you’re going to need to pull out all the stops. DON’T SAY WE DIDN’T WARN YOU.

DECORATIONS

tree

At the minute your home is looking like a sparse wasteland, the only indication that Christmas is just around the corner is the distinct chill in the air – due to your refusal to put the heating on, but this can be easily rectified. Put some decorations up. Not got any tinsel? Use tin foil, not only do they sound kind of similar but they’re also both shiny! Need a stocking to hang over the mantelpiece? Grab a pair of football socks (although make sure they’re washed first). Now all that’s lacking is a tree, why not take advantage of any neglected houseplants and adorn them in fairy lights and baubles. 

SHOPPING

For all your gift giving needs you don’t need to look further than your local petrol station. You can get all sorts there for him or for her. Who wouldn’t be absolutely made up to receive a road map and some screen wash for Christmas? Should be plenty of bunches of flowers to choose from on the forecourt as well, all at a very reasonable price.

You’ll need some stocking fillers for the kids. What do kids like these days? Snapchat filters..? Where do you buy Snapchat filters? Kids were really into gel pens in my day, get them some gel pens.

wrapping

After purchasing all of those wonderful presents you’re going to need to wrap them, but you haven’t got any wrapping paper. Use free newspapers, these can also be kept as a fun memento of the glorious Christmas this will turn out to be!

FOOD & DRINK

While you’re at the petrol station buying thoughtful gifts you might as well check if they’ve got any of those frozen roast dinners for one. When it comes to serving the Christmas dinner, don’t forget to wrap every vegetable in bacon. Nothing screams Christmas like a vegetable covered in pork. You also might not be able to get your hands on a Christmas pudding at short notice, so to create a festive illusion stick a 10p in whatever you serve and set it on fire*. For drinks, time to dust off those bottles of German wine that have been under the sink since you moved in. Cheers!

pudding3

*Don’t actually do this at home guys…